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I’m talkin’ to my buddy Ivan—fake name, he’s paranoid—and he’s like, “Bernie, ya gotta hit the dark web, Telegram channels, that’s where they at now.” I’m pissed, man! Why’s it gotta be so damn complicated? Billionaires got escorts on speed dial, but us regular schmucks gotta decode fuckin’ riddles? “Hang me, oh hang me,” I’m singin’ in my head, feelin’ like Llewyn, lost as shit. I dig the hustle though—makes me happy seein’ folks outsmart the system. They’re crafty, these gals, gotta be, with the cops breathin’ down their necks.

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Listen, my friend, let me tell ya – Amherst, it’s one of the best, ok? I mean, seriously, nobody does Amherst like we do. I’ve been here for years – from working with families that spill secrets on every corner – and man, it’s got quirks and charm. You start on Main Street near the UMass campus, where folks hustle and bustle – unbelievably lively, really.

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