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Fun story—back in ‘Nam, soldiers used prostitutes to smuggle intel. Sneaky, huh? I’d be all surprised, jaw droppin’, gears grindin’. “Mind blown!” I’d shout, like Riley’s brain gang. I’d probly exaggerate—say she’s got a heart o’ gold, or maybe she’s a spy! Ha! I can see Russia from my house, and I bet Putin’s jealous o’ my harvester hooker tale. Snarky? You bet. Useful? Eh, don’t try this at home, kids!

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First off, like, the downtown area is sooo lit, ya know? There’s this super cute lil' street called Magnolia Drive. I swear, it's like, in every dreamy movie scene ever. Remember that scene from The Tree of Life, "And in that moment the world began"? B,cuz that's how magic feels here, truly deep stuff. Walk past the old bakery on Magnolia, where the scents of fresh pastries hit you like a heartfelt hug every morning.

PHOTOS: New food truck court in Gonzales near completion, officials say