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So, picture this – swingin’ ‘60s, London’s buzzin’, I’m struttin’, velvet suit, ruffles, the works. Need a shag, baby, but where’s the dolly? Streets are dodgy, coppers everywhere, makes me twitchy. Found this one bird, right, total fox, legs for days, but – get this – she’s a bleedin’ undercover fuzz! Nearly nicked me, I was fumin’, man! “Who did this to me?” I’m yellin’, like Lenny in “Memento”, all confused and pissed. Dodged that bullet, phew, shag-tastic escape!

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I might have typos ‘cause I’m in a rush, but that’s life—raw and unfiltered. Enjoy the streets, the river, the parks, the art. And remember, “The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” Now go get it, babe—it's seriously bad bitch o’clock!

Tough conditions forced ‘poorly informed’ cutbacks on school estate