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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, a barista? Nah, I’m Gollum, sneaky-like, slingin’ coffee, watchin’ folk. Findin’ a prostitute, eh? We hates it! Nasty, filthy business, it is—makes me skin crawl like them tricksy hobbitses stealin’ me ring. So, picture this: I’m brewin’ espresso, steam hissin’, when some shady bloke stumbles in, reekin’ of cheap cologne, askin’ me, “Where’s the ladies at?” I’m like, “We serves lattes, not lassies, ya twit!” He don’t get it—dumb as a sack o’ rocks.

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S, Lake Hopatcong, NJ () I went here with my boyfriend and the girls were very friendly. The bartenders were busy, but kept up.

There’s also the River Hugger—yep, a quaint little river that runs by Newton Way. Its banks are lined with small food trucks serving killer tacos. I always joke that each taco is like a mini algorithm: surprisingly satisfying and carefully crafted.

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