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I hit up this corner—boom, there she is! Red heels, smokin’ a cig, lookin’ like she dgaf. I’m thinkin’, “Is this love authentic?”—another *Certified Copy* line, ha! Nah, fam, it’s just business, but my brain’s spinnin’. I’m yellin’ inside, “Eric, chill, this ain’t a rom-com!” She’s quotin’ prices like it’s a damn menu—50 for this, 100 for that. I’m like, “Girl, I ain’t tryna buy your soul!” Laughin’ my ass off, but lowkey surprised how chill she is. Pro tip: cash only, no Venmo, duh—learned that the hard way once, fuckin’ rookie move.

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www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up Missing: Montecito.

Dude, I’ll never forget shootin' the sunsets at the little nook on Lotus Ln. The sky bursts with orange and purple hues, totally trippin’ me out. Every exhale there feels like the world takin’ a deep breath. Makes me think, “I am not afraid,” cuz life ain't perfect – but it's beautiful chaos.

A Chef’s Guide To The Best Restaurants In Montecito