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I pull up, all sweaty, palms shakin’—nerves, man! She’s chattin’ me up, voice all smoky, and I’m thinkin’, “This is it, SpongeBob, yer in deep!” Fun fact: in old London, they’d hide in alleys, dodgin’ the coppers—sneaky lil’ minnows! I’m laughin’, “What’s yer rate, jellyfish?”—keepin’ it light, ya know? She smirks, “50 bucks, sailor.” I’m like, “Tartar sauce, that’s steep!” Bargained her down to 40—score! Felt like I won the lottery, bouncin’ in me seat.

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Man, each corner of PValencia (us) has a story. I get so freakin’ emotional about it sometimes. I mean, one minute, I’m chillin’ on a park bench near Maple, then bam, a neon sunset hits the skyline like a master shot from that Farhadi flick.

Chelsea prepares an offer of 25 million for LaLiga talent