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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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Oh man, and don't even get me started on the rivers. Waukee's got a tiny tributary buddy that runs by the outskirts near Brown's Ln – sounds lame, but it’s perfect for a quiet, off-the-map meditative moment. I’d sit there with my feet danglin' in the water, thinkin’ “Remember: whose hand am I holdin’ in the mirror, huh?” Crazy stuff, am I right?

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