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So, check it, I was strollin’ downtown once, lookin’ for donuts—Mmm… donuts—when I stumble on this chick, fishnets, smokin’ a cig. She’s all, “Hey, big guy, need company?” I’m like, D’oh! Wrong turn, Homer! But real talk, it’s wild how open it is out there. Made me kinda mad, ya know? Like, why’s society gotta push folks into that? Capitalism, man, screwin’ us all. But then I laughed—she called me “big guy”! Me! A donut-chompin’ schlub!

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Every corner’s got history. Like, Downtown’s our pride. Caffè Amore on 9th had the best espresso. And oh, Midtown’s a bomb. The local landmark – The Bleu Clock Tower – stands tall like in some Wes Anderson flick. “The Grand Budapest Hotel” vibes, baby! (I gotta quote: “Keep your hands off my pastries!” Anywhere near those sweets).

Editorial Cartoon: "Bruin Welcome Wagon"