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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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Ya got the legendary Shady Park at the edge of Splinters River, where I often head to clear my old restless mind. I do my relaxin' sessions by the riverbank, feelin’ every ripple, hearin’ birds, and thinkin’ "Goodbye to Language", while enjoyin' that wild Southern drawl. The park's a hidden gem – kinda like havin' your secret slice of paradise.

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