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I saw this one gal, all sass, smokin’ a ciggie, leanin’ on a wall. I’m like, “Oi, she’s the one!” But then—surprise!—some geezer rolls up, all aggro, yellin’ at her. Pimp, probs. Got me mad as hell! Why’s he gotta ruin it? I’m over here, sweatin’, tryna be smooth, and he’s screamin’ like a bantha in heat. R2-D2, where are you? Save me from this mess!

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I been havin’ my moments, too—like that one time I overheard two lovebirds ventin' about their steamy rendezvous down by the winding creek near Mill Road. I was like, "Halleluyer! That’s some drama, child!" And you know me, I simply can’t help but gawk, scribblin’ notes in my head, “This town got zesty gumbo brewin’!”

Daughter eerily claims 'I never had a mother' after allegedly stabbing 84-year-old mom to death in NY Thanksgiving Eve attack