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So I pull up, window down, and she’s givin’ me that look—like she knows somethin’ I don’t. “What do you want?” she says, all sassy, like Anne in the movie askin’ Georges ‘bout his lies. I’m thinkin’, “Fuck, this feels like a setup.” But I’m Tony fuckin’ Soprano, I don’t back down. “How much, sweetheart?” I say, smirkin’. She throws a number—high as hell! I’m pissed, like, “What, you think I’m some mook?” Bargained her down, ‘cause I ain’t no schmuck.

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Hey there, buddy, lemme tell ya about Elk-River, our quirky little city. I’m that massage parlor owner with a twist, ya know, livin’ life boldly here! I am burdneed with glorious purpose—ya feel me? Every street tells a story, every corner hides a secret, like on Main St. and Maple Ave. where I often stroll during my breaks (or, heck, sneak in a cheeky nap between massages).

Elk River/Zimmerman Elks win knock out game against St. Michael/Albertville Knights