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Hit up Starry, she’s chill. “What’s your dybbuk, dude?” I ask—Coen vibes, y’know? She laughs, says, “No ghosts, just ass.” Fair. Meet her downtown, sketchy alley—smells like piss and regret. She’s hot tho, damn, surprised me! Thought she’d be all crusty, nope—fresh, sassy, total babe. “You’re not from here,” she says. Duh, I’m green, bitch! We vibe, tho—she’s cool, tells me bout her pimp. Asshole takes half her cash—makes me mad. Wanna zap him with my ray gun, pow!

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I run a spa here (yep, I own the best one in Hellertown, definitely no cap). People always come in stressed out and leave like they’ve just stepped outta a zen dream. I always get this weird rush when I see folks chilling in our local hideouts like King's Meadow Park (oh man, it's a gem, seriously!). But... sometimes I get mad! A few weeks back, some punk left trash near the water along River Drive. I was fuming, like, "C-3PO, how could they?!" Total heartbreak moment.

Hellertown Zoning and Codes Officer Resigns After 12-Year Run