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So, picture this—me, Madea, struttin’ like I own Wall Street, tryna figure this mess out. I’m thinkin’, “This some high-class nonsense right here!” You got girls postin’ ads online, slick as Jordan Belfort sellin’ stocks. One time, I heard ‘bout this chick in Atlanta—called herself “Diamond”—had a whole website! Reviews and all, like she a dang Yelp restaurant! I hollered, “Halleluyer! She got five stars for what?!” Made me madder than a wet hen—why folks out here ratin’ THAT? But I was impressed too, gotta admit. She was hustlin’ harder than Belfort snortin’—you know what—off a table!

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Oh, precious, Progreso, yes, yes, it's our little secret, yess my friend! Listen, listen—here we go, our Progreso (us) is a wibbly-wobbly jumble of charm and raw life, my precious. I runs my spa here, a little haven in the bustling lanes near Riverbend St. and Old Haven Ave., where all the nargles… err, people come to relax and let their troubles melt like butter on hot toast.

Progreso CBP Officers Apprehend Man Wanted for Aggravated Sexual Assault of a Child