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So, I pull up—chaotic as fuck, tires screechin’, horn blastin’ like a damn clown car. She’s all, “You got cash, fam?” and I’m like, “Girl, I got SKILLS—teach ya to parallel park!” She laughs, like, “Bruh, I ain’t tryna park nothin’!” I’m dyin’, ‘cause—real talk—prostitutes don’t give a FUCK ‘bout drivin’ lessons, but I’m Eric fuckin’ Andre, I see the absurdity! She’s out here hustlin’, and I’m tryna make it a driver’s ed skit!

Want a Ride? Use Uber. Want a Prostitute? Use an App

Missed call text from a pal: "Don't be neurotic, it's just Tacoma." But I say, it's neurotic and beautiful, chaotic yet tender. Each corner has a story much like, hey, life's a freakin' movie. So just wander around, check out Market Street, those underrated alley murals, and feel the pulse like you're in the middle of a live show.

MATCH RECAP: Tacoma Defiance Defeats St. Louis CITY2 4-1 on Saturday Night at Starfire Stadium