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About Bloemfontein

What pisses me off? The judgement, fam! People actin’ like it’s dirty, but it’s just life, innit? Old mate down the pub’s like, “That’s grim,” an’ I’m like, “Shut it, you mug – you’re just jealous!” Makes me proper vexed. But then – boom – she smiles, an’ I’m happy again, cos it’s real, raw, human. Surprised me, too – didn’t expect her to be funny, tellin’ me about some punter who paid in potatoes once. Potatoes, fam! I’m creasin’ – “What, chips for a shag?”

Newham, Greater London

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I had a humongous gig at the little wellness centre near Tulbagh Crescent (yep, proper weird name) where I once massaged this dude who recited Inception lines. Crazy, right? My fingers feel every pulse of the town. Sometimes I'd pause mid-massage, thinkin, "Is this real or just another dream?"

It’s official: Fort Beaufort and Somerset East have been renamed