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Mate, it’s a hustle, findin’ one. Apps now, too—techy tarts, swipe fer a shag! “I’m hungry for you,” she’d purr, movie-style, but it’s £50 upfront, no cuddles. Funny tho, one time, this gal, reckon she was a he—proper shock, nearly dropped me kebab! We swears! Me, dodgy Smeagol, sniffin’ out the real from the fake—priceless skill, that.

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Watch, I gotta admit: workin’ in dating apps here kinda messed with my head, but in a good way. I always be pickin’ up love stories on every corner – especially near The Old Mill lane. Crazy fun dates go down at Rock’n’Roll Cafe, by the park. That park – Greenfield – is this big green space where dogs run and kids giggle like mad. Rarrgh!

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