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Wawaweewa! Me, Borat, telephone man, yes? I talk you about sexual-massage, very nice! In my country, we no have this fancy rub-rub, but I hear, oh boy, it good! My favrit movie, “Yi Yi: A One and a Two,” you know? It slow, it deep, like good sexual-massage. “Life is soup, I am fork,” movie say—same with this massage, you no get it all, but you try!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Kairat Street. You know, the one with the weirdly good coffee? I order my usual – a cappuccino, extra foam, because why not? But the barista, bless her heart, totally messes it up. I get a black coffee instead. Like, c’mon! I’m not trying to wake up like I just chugged a Red Bull. So, I’m already a bit grumpy.

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