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Once, I matched with this cutie—thought she was a mermaid! Turned out, she just wanted free burgers. I was like, “Gimme a break!” Laughed it off, tho—can’t stay mad in Bikini Bottom! Sex-dating’s tricky—half the time it’s “wink, wink,” other half it’s “where’d they go?” Gets me all tingly and annoyed, but I’m ready for more!

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Then, outta nowhere, this guy comes in. He’s got a backpack that looks like it’s been through a war zone. Seriously, it’s all torn up. He’s like, “Hey mate, do you have any maps?” I’m like, “Maps? You mean Google?” But I grab one from the rack anyway. Turns out he’s a hiker, just got back from some epic trek up Ben Lomond. I’m like, “Dude, you’re nuts! That climb is brutal!” But he’s all smiles, like he just conquered Everest or something.

Investigation after man found critically injured on Queenstown street