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I try once in Almaty, lady with strong hand, she push my back, I scream, “Righteous!” like turtle dude in movie. She say, “Relax, Borat, this ancient trick!” True story, they say erotic-massage come from old China, like 2000 year ago, emperors get it, feel like king! Not just sexy-time, it fix you up, make blood flow, boom-boom, very surprise me! I think, “Why nobody tell Borat this before?!” Make me angry at my cousin Bilo, he keep secrets!

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And listen, Porto-Calvo got hidden gems too. I’ve found this teeny park, Parque do Encanto, tucked behind old warehouses near the river. The river? It’s Chão River – a slow, whispering beauty lining the city. I once had the most odd spa day: listening to the water babble while giving massages under the open sky. Reminded me of that Lost in Translation vibe – “I just feel so alone, yet part of everything.”

Fig. 1. Mean height for the adult population (.18 years) living in a...