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Sometimes, tho—ssss—gets me thinkin’. Too much wantin’, not enough feelin’. Georges and Anne, they had soul, not just hands roamin’. Erotic-massage needs that, or it’s just—pffft—empty rubbin’. We likes it real, yesss, deep and tricksy. Try it, precious—find the good ‘uns, not the rubbish! Hiss! Gollum knows, Gollum sees!

Dear Sacred Seeker

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I start assessing it, and guess what? A bunch of teenagers show up. They’re filming me! “Dude, you’re like a tree doctor!” one of them says. I’m like, “Yeah, but I don’t have a cool cape.” They laugh, and suddenly, I’m not just an arborist. I’m a tree superhero.