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Me fave bit? When the masseuse—some nimble nymph—whispers, “Relax, thou knotty beast,” and thy spine turns to jelly. Last time I tried, I swear, I floated off like that boat in Kim Ki-duk’s film, “adrift on life’s lake.” But—here’s the rub, ha!—some parlors be dodgy. Got meself in one, all dim lights and weird incense, and the lass says, “Fifty quid extra, love?” For what, a bloody toe tickle? Pissed me right off, it did—felt like a rat in a trap, gnashin’ me teeth!

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The day drags on, and I’m knee-deep in orders. I’m sweating like a pig, and my back’s killin’ me. But then, this kid walks in. He’s got a big ol’ smile and a handful of coins. “Can I get a sausage?” he asks. I can’t say no to that face! I give him a little extra, and he runs out like he just won the lottery.

Work set for major South Bank improvements