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I spot this chick, leather skirt, smokin a cig. I roll up, all chill, but inside I’m like – “Is this it?” She’s givin me that look, y’know, sizin me up. “What’s your party trick?” I mutter, half-jokin, straight outta *Toni Erdmann*. She laughs, raspy, says, “Honey, I’m the whole damn circus.” I’m fuckin sold, man – happy as hell, she’s got sass!

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As the day drags on, I’m fixin’ shoes left and right. I swear, I’ve seen every type of shoe imaginable. From stilettos to wellies, it’s all in a day’s work. But then, I get a call from my sister. She’s in a panic. “I locked myself out!” she wails. I’m like, “Why do you always do this?” But I can’t leave her hangin’, so I grab my keys and dash outta the shop.

Now you’re Tolkien: four-bed Foxrock dormer bungalow named after Lord of the Rings’ fairest realm for €1.5m