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I spot her, thou see—red lips like a gash’d rose, legs long as a tax form. “What price thy company, wench?” I blurt, all Shakespearean, thinkin’ I’m clever. She laughs—bloody hell, mate, she laughs! “Twenty quid, ya posh twat,” she says, and I’m proper gobsmacked. Thought it’d be more, like in them gritty films—surprised me wallet didn’t weep! “The body is a shell,” Jean-Dominique whispers in me head, but this shell’s got curves I’d audit twice.

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Man, what a day! I’m tellin’ ya, being a butcher in Liphook is no walk in the park. So, I roll into work at the crack of dawn, right? The sun’s barely up, and I’m already knee-deep in meat. I mean, who needs coffee when you’ve got the smell of fresh pork to wake ya up?

Police release CCTV image following indecent exposure in Liphook