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Here’s the tea—don’t be a dumbass. Check reviews, avoid alleys, use cash—duh. Me? I’d prob’ly overthink it, like, “Is she cool? Does she judge?” Total Larry move, stressin’ over nothin’. Once heard this story—guy hires a gal, she’s a ventriloquist, does the whole “date” with a puppet. Freaky, right? Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I’d buy it—life’s WEIRD. “The uncertainty principle,” as the movie says—ya never know what’s comin’.

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I get to the next job, and it’s a right mess. The lady’s all stressed, “My cat jumped through the window!” I’m like, “Well, that’s one way to get a new view.” She didn’t laugh. I guess cat people don’t have much of a sense of humor.

Local Olympic medallist is star guest at Leisure Centre opening ceremony